Part II of The Wiley Adventures of Atomic Pee Man!

Part III:

Last time we were watching Atomic Pee Man. His Road Rules gang, failing miserably at the Chernobyl Superhero Warning System (CSWS), took at least six and a half minutes just to report back to Atomic Pee Man, and that is purely unacceptable. Everyone is still groggy from their naps except APM who is wide awake and alert as ever.

"Hey Squeaky!" APM says "Go fetch Atomic Sweatin' Jock out of my bathroom."

"Huh? Ok!" squeaks Atomic Pukin' Chick.

"Hey! No sex in my tub!" APM tosses in.

APC comes back with a dripping wet Atomic Sweatin' Jock and APM says "Ok gang! Let's go practice and see how we might really do on the playing field."

He leads the bunch to the back yard where there are targets set up.

"Atomic Lactatin' Ho... you see that target that looks like the Chinese sweatshop you used to work in?" ALH nods. "Squirt it down!" shouts Pee Man. Atomic Lactatin' Ho grabs one of her supple boobs and squeezes. A miss fire causes a small amount of liquid radiation to squirt in her eye, she falls to ground screaming and flailing.

"Well, that's just great!" APM says. "Hey Camille? Have these people ever used their secret special weapons or is this the first time that they have been fired?"

"Hmm... I don't really know... All I'm supposed to do is hold the camera and apologize for them when they screw up (they're not really to the apologizing stage yet)" she says.

"So we're starting from scratch with complete amateurs? That's just swell. Don't you people realize this is a serious job? I am here keeping people from harm. I can only use professionals damnit. If you freaks are just gonna slow me down I will be forced to ask you to just leave now and save us all time and trouble."

Camille jumps in with "Oh! We'll be professional just wait and see."

"Ok..." says Pee Man.

The Spideyphone rings and APM makes a mad dash for it. "Hello Atomic Pee Man here! What's the deal Camille?" (A faint "huh?" was heard from the backyard).

"Uh.. Mr. Man," said a nasally voice "We've got a 712 up north of the power plant, can you check it out for us?"

"This sounds like a job for my new recruits!" He runs back out the the backyard and shouts "Come on gang! We've got a 712 on the north side."

Camille asks "What's a 712?" as they were piling into the Peemobile.

"That's a mighty fine question..." APM runs back into the house to get the code book and returns panting. "Let's see here 712, 712... Aha! That's the code for Old Lady Jones is having another one of her cracked out biting fits again."

"Who is Old Lady Jones?" Aks Atomic Toejam Boy in the hood.

"Well," replies APM "Old Lady Jones is this old ass bitch that keeps all the hellions active. The majority of the crimes in Chernobyl are started by Old Lady Jones. Ya know about the meltdown we had here a couple years back? Yup... Old Lady Jones was in the reactor computer room and when she sparked her rock it jumped out of the pipe and set the computers haywire. They should have known better than to put her in charge over there at the plant."

"Some old hag can't be stopped? Word!" says ATBH.

"We have caught her plenty of times, she's not very fast, but she is very crafty. She has escaped our Penal Colony every time we put her in." Pee Man states.

"Nah man... When I see her I'm 'onna put her ass down, biatch!" says Atomic Toejam Boy in the Hood.

"You'll see, homey." says APM "Alright folks here are your assignments before we go up there and get our asses kicked. Atomic Sweatin' Jock?"

"Where?" says ASJ

APM replies "YOU! DUMBASS!"

"Huh?" returns ASJ.

"ASJ you are the biggest,  so you are gonna lead the way, maybe you'll scare Mrs. Jones." directs Pee Man.

"Monkeys? Where? Uh... Pickleloaf?" wanders Atomic Sweatin' Jock.

Pee Man screams "YOU FRONT AND CENTER!" and he kicks the jock in the ass. "Lactatin' Ho, I want you and I to be second in line, after Atomic Sweatin' Jock because we've got some distance to our shots." ALH nods. "Atomic Pukin' Chick, you can be up front with ASJ because both of you suck and deserve to be bitten."

"Can I piggyback on him?"

APM replies "I don't know can you?"

"Yep!" she returns and hops on.

"Atomic Flemin' Bonghitter, stay behind me and keep that bong lit up and those mucous membranes flaring" says APM.

"Right on dude!"

"Atomic Toejam Boy in the Hood?"

"What up?"

"Your in back of the line 'cause your black."

"Yo boy" screeches ATBH "That's discrimination, racism, and some other shiat!"

APM retorts "Shut up!"

"Man, Whitey's always holdin' a brotha down. Any time we start getting in control, here come Whitey slapping us back down."

"Boy! You're the safest one of us all back in back, so stop your bitchin'!" screams Pee Man. "Alright folks let's pack 'em and move 'em out."

As thy march towards the north side Pee Man shouts " I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!" The others join in "I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!" "THE BROTHER IN BACK WANTS TO BE SOLD!" "THE BROTHER IN BACK WANTS TO BE SO..."

"HEY!" shouts ATBH "That isn't cool!"

"Chill out brother man I'm just messing with ya." says Pee Man very politely. "I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!" The others again repeat. "YOU KEEP ON DANCIN', YA NEVER GROW OLD!" They repeat. "I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD! WE'RE ALL FIGHTIN' CRIME TILL WE GET OLD!"

" Ok everyone..." says Pee Man. "Let's slow down a bit cause we're comin' up on the power plant and we gotta keep our eye's peeled for Granny Bitch."

Atomic Pukin' Chick hops off ASJ's back, turns and says "Who is Granny Bitch?"

"Ok! Listen up everybody!" APM shouts. "Uh, that would be Old Lady Jones... just about any reference to an old woman or just a woman will likely be talking about Old Lady Jones. Do we have this straight? Atomic Sweatin' Jock? Ya here me captain?"

"Aye!" says ASJ

"Good! So if I say get her, you guys can safely assume the 'her' is Old Lady Jones, even if I call her Granny Bitch, correct?" asks Pee Man. As he turns to make sure Atomic Toejam Boy in the Hood understood, they all here the scream and thud in front of the line.

They look up to see Atomic Sweatin' Jock lying in a pool of blood. Old Lady Jones was just spotted by Atomic Flemin' Bonghitter fleeing the scene into the plant. ASJ was pretty bad off. In the few seconds (APM thought 10 at most), Old Lady Jones had chewed through his wrestling boots and bitten and ripped out both of his Achilles tendons. APM almost rudely states "that's amazing! I did not look ASJ for 10 seconds and the old bitch has already taken out one of our guys. He may have been the most useless but he was big and tough, I guess. Well at least he's still alive, he won't be able to walk any more but he's still going." APM looks down to see a foot, that was attached to Old Lady Jones herself, go flashing out of his peripheral vision. "I'll be damned if she didn't just do it again!" He looked down to see ASJ's skull cut precisely in half and the majority of his brain was no longer there. "Wow! See I told ya that's amazing! She's much faster than I thought."

"Maybe she gotta hold of some of that Super RadiaTspeed, my deale- um my boy was trying to get with me..." says ATBH.

"Hey! You have a dealer?" asks Camille (she asked later why he didn't tell her earlier, if ya know what I mean).

Atomic Pukin' Chick immediately pukes her nuclear lunch as soon as she turns to see the mess that was Atomic Sweatin' Jock. She puked right on him and it started to eat away at his skin. Not a pleasant site to see at all.

"Well kids, one down, some more to go. Let's go get Old Lady Jones" reaffirms APM.

"I don't wanna die" says APC as she cleans the grossness around her mouth.

"If your lucky, ya won't..." Pee Man replies.

Just as the words leave his mouth, Atomic Pukin' Chick slips on what's left of ASJ's hand and falls into her own puke and a pile of disintegrating Jock. Her skin, too, begins bubble away to nothing.

"I guess your not lucky" says Pee Man. "I'm sorry folks but this is the price we have to pay for justice folks. Especially when we're too busy asking and answering questions, and saying that you don't wanna die. Well duh! A moment of silence for our dead friends and Road Rules compadres." The ones left bow their heads.

"Ok, Camille? Are we still a go? You've got cameras rolling on all this shit. Isn't going to be a bit too much? Shouldn't you and your folks be off so none more of them... for lack of better words... die?"

"Hell no! This is perfect TV the ratings will be through the roof! Just think 'Several children die in a horrible, season ending, tragedy, and you can see it all on Road Rules Chernobyl." glows Camille (get it?).

"You've gotta be shittin me! Go now before anymore of you get hurt!" APM yells.

"No! We will not! This is our mission and will complete it or die trying! Right guys?"

Atomic Flemin' Bonghitter says "Yup... we signed the papers at the beginning of the show."

"...signed papers." sighs APM.

Suddenly they see Old Lady Jones. She is on all fours and she crawls up to them and says "Give me some rock or I'll bite your ankles off."

"Atomic Lactatin' Ho! Start Lactating!"

She pulls out her boob and aims her teat at Old Lady Jones butt and squirts. "Oh no, backfire!" were the first words anyone on the show had heard her say. The next ones were "Come on you son of a bitch boob! Damnit you piece of shit breast, you motherfucking whore! Come on! I need Atomic milk!"

The backfire causes the Atomic milk to come squirting our of her ass melting Atomic Flemin' Bonghitter down to a little pile of resin.

"Damn!" says APM "Turn around and shoot her!"

But it was too late... the milk had burned her sensitive intestinal track all the way through. She was the newest heap of flesh on the pavement.

Pee Man and Atomic Toejam Boy in the Hood turn to run but Old lady Jones stops ATBH with a tap n the shoulder. He turns around and she says "Whassup my new brotha? You got any rock?"

"Little" he replies.

"Why 'on't you hook a nigga up?" says Old Lady Jones.

"You ain't no sista!"

"Boy you best get on up and get me that rock! Or else your gonna get Henrietta Jones upside yo head!"

"You ain't shit, Jones!" ATBH fires back.

"Oh dear..." you hear APM faintly say.

"You gonna give it to me or am I gonna have to beat it out of you?" she says.

Toejam boy replies "bring it on granny!"

"Oh dear..." was heard yet again.

Old Lady Jones proceeds to pick ATBH up by the neck 2 full feet off the ground and toss him into the nearby nuclear waste barrels which explode open and pour out as Pee Man and Camille run out of the way, they watch as Old Lady Jones walks right through unharmed (she is the only one in town who does not glow... curious isn't it?) she picks Toejam Boy up by the feet and begins to swing him around flinging waste everywhere burning little drip holes in everything within 10 feet. Soon, his disintegrating head slowly rips off the rest of his body, then his torso, then his thighs and within 30 seconds she is just holding feet and calves.

"Weeeee!" she screams like a girl at the playground. Then she remembers the crack. She dashes over to what's left of his pants to find just a melted up little bag with a tiny amount of powder which she licked off.

Pee Man whacks Old Lady Jones once good on the head. She falls to the ground and he put the cuffs on her. He says "You're up to killin' people now? I thought you were an ankle biter, what's gotten into you?"

"25 dolla rock, man" she croaks. "You ever had that shit? It'll knock you flat and leave you beggin' to come back for more."

"That was me that knocked you flat"

"Oh..."

"Let's go Old Lady Jones... you're going away for a while this time and you staying in jail damnit!" says Pee Man.

Pee Man and Camille walk Old Lady Jones down to the Chernobyl Prison and drop her off.

They then go back to Atomic Pee Man HeadQuarters and have sex, which is taped for Road Rules. You can see it this season.

Isn't that a happy ending. Justice is served and the superhero gets laid on film.

Come back for more, next time, with Atomic Pee Man, the early years.